Lauren Barnholdt (laurenbarnholdt) wrote,
Lauren Barnholdt

How I Stole A Vacuum From Some People

So last weekend we got a new vacuum. I know, that’s really lame.

But I WANTED ONE. That goes to show how old I am getting. (But maybe not, since I also became totally excited that GIMME A CALL by Sarah Mlynowski and THE CARRIE DIARIES by Candace Bushnell are coming out on the same day. Also sometimes when I am in Justice with my niece, I really wish they made the clothes in there in grown-up sizes.)


I looked up reviews for vacuums on the internet, since the last two vacuums I bought were just whatever was pretty and cheap, which is not a very effective way to buy a vacuum. It results in vacuums, like, dying and clogging and making very horrible noises and then spitting dirt back out all over your floor.

So I googled and searched and scoured, and found a lot of good reviews for this one:

It is a Shark Vac and it says it “never loses suction.”

Which sounds fab. But of course I was a little suspicious, because a lot of the reviews I saw were left by people who had posted only ONE review. Also most of them used the same phrases, like “this is for people who want a Dyson but don’t want to spend the money!” Which meant nothing to me, but I could kind of glean that people who are in the know about vacuums are just falling all over themselves for an expensive, shiny new Dyson. Also all of the reviews had user names likes “HappyWithVacInNY” which is very suspect.

I knew these reviews were probably left by people who work at Shark. Still, I was intrigued.

I made The Boy come with me to Target, which he didn’t really want to do, because he hates vacuum shopping. (And clothes shopping and grocery shopping and any kind of shopping really except for book and DVD shopping.)

When we got there, I immediately spotted the Shark! And there was a floor model you could push around Target!

“Oh, look!” I said to The Boy, pushing around the floor model. “This is the one that got all those good reviews online!”

“So we’ll get this one,” The Boy said. He was ready to go because we had already been there for one minute and thirty seconds.

“No, I want to look at all of them,” I said. I mean, I couldn’t be swayed that easily. I wanted to check ALL of them out before I committed.

Then I noticed there was another couple there, too, looking at the vacuums. It was kind of nice, actually, like a “look at us, all in this together, trying to find a good vacuum, la la la.”

I wandered down to the other end of the aisle. I picked up a few more vacuums, one that said it was great at picking up dog hair. We don’t have a dog, but we do have guinea pigs, and also, maybe we will have a dog someday. (At that point, I was looking for a vacuum that I felt could be an investment in our future.)

And that’s when it happened.

The lady from the other couple PICKED UP THE PURPLE SHARK VAC! (Note: Purple wasn’t really my reason for wanting it, but it’s a bonus. I mean, how cute!)

And then she said, “Oh, honey, how about this one? It’s light, right?” She started pushing it all around. I watched her out of the corner of my eye and realized:

SHE ONLY WANTED IT BECAUSE I SAID IT HAD GOOD REVIEWS! She was totally trying to rip off my research!

And there was only one purple Shark that never loses suction left!

I had to do something.

So I said, “Maybe we should just get this one,” really loud to The Boy. “Since this is the one that got good reviews.”

I started pushing around a random vacuum. It was a big lie. I had no idea if that one was good or not.

Then I wandered a few feet away and waited. The lady immediately glommed onto the one I just said had good reviews (aka The Lie Vacuum), and I swooped in and grabbed the beautiful purple Shark that never loses suction and dropped it in the cart.

When we were safely out of earshot, I proudly told The Boy what I did.

He wasn’t impressed. He said, “That’s kind of sad, those people seemed nice.”

So then I felt kind of guilty. And I thought maybe the Shark Vac that never loses suction would punish me when I got home by being made of fail. But it’s amazing! It’s so powerful that it leads you around the room by itself, almost.

Still, though.

I do hope those other people found a good vacuum…. (Sort of.)

More later
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